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Archive for March, 2007

I seem to have unintentionally taken a break from writing about adoption. I’ve started to several times as there have been some wonderful posts around the adoption blogosphere specifically about what we regular folks can do to make things better. I will list some of those at the end of this post. But I didn’t seem to have anything new or unique to add to the discussion, so felt a sort of block. In all honesty, my last couple of posts have been somewhat obligatory “I have to post something!” I must admit I’m a bit disappointed no one had any ideas for that website of mine. I guess I’ll leave it abandoned for now until some inspiration hits me. ūüôā

Well, today, while doing my daily blog reading, Nicole directed folks to a post on Musings of the Lame. So, I clicked over and found another thought provoking post. I was particularly struck by one statement she makes there:

Adoption is, in it’s perfect form, supposed to be about finding homes for children that need them, not about finding children for parents that want them.

Lightbulb! That is what has gone wrong in the field of adoption in the US. It has become more about finding babies for people that want to be parents. It really should not be about that at all. And I’m saying that as one of those folks that very much wanted to be a parent. I’m sure some of you want to wack me on the head and say “Duh!” OK, maybe I’m a little slow.

Of course I’m not stating that to be true across the board for every agency or every person seeking to adopt. But whenever that subtle shift occurrs, the door is thrown wide open for trouble to come in, probably without us even realizing it. I don’t think it’s even an intentional thing for most. Although I’m sure there are those that realized a “market” could be made of all those infertile couples out there. But I would think that’s a minority. More likeley most don’t realize the shift has occurred and see themselves as helping people.

Enter adoption triad bloggers speaking their truths – blogging about their experience with adoption. It is heartening to have found two new adoptive parent blogs in the last couple of weeks, blogging with their eyes and hearts wide open. There are also many more adoptee and first-parent blogs that I have yet to add to my blogroll. Sure, they run into hostility, people that don’t want to hear what they are saying. I picture those folks sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting at the top of their lungs “la la la la la.” They don’t want to listen. But I also see people that are listening. I am one of those people, actually. And every so often I throw my two cents out there for anyone who wants to hear.

But there is more that we can do. Here is where I don’t have anything new or unique to add right now. So, I’ll point those that are seeking to the posts that are discussing that. We have some great thinkers and writers out there already that are doing a great job. So consider me a sign-post pointing you in their direction.

From some of these you can link to others that I didn’t include in the list. I didn’t want it to seem too overwhelming. But, please, whether you’re just thinking about adoption, planning to adopt, or even already adopted, allow yourself some blocks of time to read through this stuff, and to think and process it. As soon as we know where we’re going next, I’ll be obsessively researching adoption and foster care in that area. It’s what we have to do, I think, to make sure we are proceeding ethically, rightly, and doing right by all involved.

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I think I’ve mentioned before that B has a flare for the dramatic. The last couple of days have been such. I suppose it’s not all that much compared to some folks, but this has been our drama the last couple of days.

In order to get B signed up for swimming, I had to get his second Hepatitis A shot (border town requirement). We headed over to the clinic after lunch and discovered that upon turning four, he was due for a few other immunizations. Yikes! They couldn’t possibly, you know, mention that at his wellness exam. Anyway, he wound up getting four shots, one of them being polio – ouch!

I am telling you, he was Mr. Pathetic the rest of the day. He walked around, when he moved off the couch, like a miniature little old man. Really, hobbled would be more like it. It was so pitiful I either had to laugh or cry. And, oh, there was more drama around the taking of some Tylenol – which was never consumed. I finally gave up on that.

This morning he was much better, although we had to coax him into moving so he could see it would be OK. Then at swimming he was afraid to get into the water – just sure it would hurt his shots. It took nearly ten minutes for myself, two other moms, the lifeguard, and the swim instructor to convince him to get on in. Of course, once in, everything was hunky dory. He did great!

So, swim class pretty much got him over the shots.¬†I got him¬†showered, dressed, and said goodbye to his little friends. In the car on the way home, he asked for a tic tac – he’s a bit addicted to those thanks to the grandparents (you know who you are). Next thing I know he announces that he has a tic tac in his nose – like it’s cute or something. I turn around and can see that, yes, indeed, there is a tic tac up his nose.

Well, I pulled over, got out, and went to his door. The tic tac was visible, but too far up for me to get out. I grabbed a tissue and had him blow. But he must have breathed in first, because after that, I couldn’t see the tic tac anymore. Then his nose started bleeding. Oh brother. But that wasn’t the dramatic part. Since he didn’t get to eat that tic tac, he wanted another one. Absolutely not. Nope. Sorry. That was it.

Sooo, he screamed and cried all the way home “I want a mint.” Here’s where having hearing aids comes in handy – I switched them off. ūüôā Once home the bleeding had stopped, and he seemed to get over the desire for another mint. He sounded congested – that stuffed nose sound to the voice. But I’m thinking, it’s just a tiny little mint. It either went down his throat, or it will dissolve – no biggie.

For some reason, G takes stuff more seriously than I do. Go figure. He wanted to call the Tel-A-Nurse line. Of course, they’regoing to err on the side of extreme caution and advised a trip to the ER. OK, people, it’s a tic tac – probably not even there anymore. But I resigned myself to spend the rest of the day in the ER. Thankfully, G ran into our neighbor outside who suggested calling the appointment line to see if we could get in same day. I did, and they did. I wanted to run over and kiss said neighbor’s feet.

At the doctor’s office, B’s nose was examined and found to be clear, although a bit swolen. No more tic tac. They gave us some saline and sent us on our way. Hopefully the remainder of the week will be less eventful.

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I have this domain: http://www.journeytomom.net. I started this website for a web design class I took from an individual on eBay.¬†I had a hard time coming up with a purpose for the site¬†so I could get on with the class. I finally went with a site dedicated to the passions of my heart: infertility, adoption, and parenting. This blog (originally on Yahoo)¬†was meant to be an extension of that site. I had some affiliate adds on there in hopes of bringing in a few bucks, too. ūüôā

Funny how little things like that lead you places you never would have dreamed. Nearly a year later, the blog has taken over my consciousness (more on that later). I have virtually deserted the website. As a matter of fact, it has not been updated since June, 2006 Рbefore our last move. Well, this month came time to renew the domain. I went ahead and renewed it. But I am at a loss as to what to do with it.

I’ve had a couple of ideas. One, delete the content hosted on FreeWebs and point the domain here. Two, change the purpose of the site¬†towards ethics in adoption, a newly discovered passion. I thought I’d toss it out here and see if anyone might have ideas or suggestions. Any web savvy folks out there want to chime in?

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New Mercies

This post was meant for this morning, but it turned into one of those non-stop kind of days. So, feeling rather discouraged after last night’s post, I went to The Word from my Father and was encouraged by Him.

The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:13b-14

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  Philippians 1:6

Some of the verses even applied to frustations I had vented on my other blog. Thank you, Father, for your grace and mercy.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”¬† Lamentations 3:22-24

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I’ve been feeling a little sad for B lately. He has a very, very social personality. Some might call him¬†a sanguine. He craves social interaction much of the time. It’s a rare moment to find him content playing by himself. Even sitting at the table coloring requires another person coloring alongside him so he can chat and compare pages, etc. He almost daily¬†begs to play with one friend or another. We often find that they are not available at that moment. My heart breaks along with his when there is no one to play with.

Another source of my sadness for B is the sibling issue. I really want him to grow up with some brothers and sisters. This, I suppose, is a patience issue. I think the time will come soon. I don’t know what that will look like in our family, but it will come. But, for now I feel sad for him being an only child. Especially knowing that he does have sisters that he’s missing growing up with. Perhaps one day he can know them, too. But for now, he’s an only child, just mom, dad, and the dog.

Recently, I felt convicted by this post from Paragraphein. I, too, am often selfish with my time, spending too much time here, on the computer. I think because of that I have allowed him too much time in front of the television Рjust so I could read a few more posts, or write out that entry rattling around in my brain. Like Nicole, I need to discipline myself and save it for after he goes to bed. I have even allowed our afternoon book time to fall by the wayside lately.

At the same time, I want him to learn to be OK with being alone. He is constantly asking me or G to play with him. Frankly, we both have other things we have to do, too. And I think it’s healthy to be OK with being alone sometimes. I struggled with that, myself, in my younger single days. It was hard spending evenings in my apartment, just me, by myself. I would dial down my list until I’d find someone to hang out with. I wasn’t comfortable just being with myself. I’d even hang out with creepy guy next door if no one else was available. shudder. That wasn’t healthy.

Somewhere in all this there is a balance. For myself, I must balance personal quiet time with household duties and time with my guys. I also need to make sure I’m regularly getting B together with his little friends to play. Lately that seems hit or miss. For B, I want him to learn to balance social time with his own personal quiet time. I want him to have some alone play time on a regular basis so he can learn this. But I also want him to feel loved and valued by us. To know deep down that we like spending time with him and doing things with him. I fear I haven’t been communicating that much lately as I’ve been absorbed in either the computer or getting one thing or another done.

Balance seems to be the theme of my life – my one big struggle. I get too focused on one thing and let other things slide. As a mom, I can’t afford to let this one slide. I must model a balanced life for B’s sake. I must maintain self discipline and awareness of how I am spending my time. Thanks, Nicole, for the wake-up call. Now, I must stay awake.

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Open Adoption, Broken Heart is an article written by Dawn Friedman of This Woman’s Work– one of my absolute favorite adoptive parent blogs. I must admit this story brought tears to my eyes. On the one hand I so desire more openness with J, to have more contact in our relationship, to hear about her and her family, how they are doing, their hopes and dreams, their struggles, and to share more of us with her.¬†But it’s good to have some balance and realize that a fully open adoption has its struggles as well. No road is easy, without it’s dips and curves.

Another thing I catch myself doing lately is sort of comparing myself with some of these other adoptive parents I admire. I find myself wondering as I read their stories why I don’t express myself “better” like them, why I wasn’t more forward when we were going through the process, why I didn’t ask more questions, say certain things – hind sight. But none of that does me or anyone else any good. I am me. I see the world like – me. I understand and process things like – me.

What I want to do instead, is learn from these people I so admire. Of course what I learn gets integrated and processed through “me” and will likely not come out looking just like the person I learned it from. We are all like “iron sharpening iron” as we speak our stories and learn from each other. This is¬†a beautiful thing.

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My friend over on Sacred Journey recommended this book, so I went over to Amazon to have a look. As far as I can tell this is a wonderful children’s Bible that¬†clearly shows the common thread throughout – Jesus.¬†Having not physically held the book and looked through the pages myself, I simply offer the link to Amazon for your own interest. I fully intend to order this myself: The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every Story Whispers His Name.

NOTE: I just realized that Amazon does not have previews of the book available. But the link on Sacred Journey does show you some pages from the book. Scroll down to “Download Sample Pages (PDF) if you’d like to see them.

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