NOTE for folks linking directly to this post: Please take the time to read through the comments following. I don't want to alter the original post as that would destroy the context in wich those were written. I also encourage you to click over to my recent posts. Rather than have this go on and on with further comments from me, I am moving on to new posts. Thanks for stopping by.
I was recently reading one of Shirley Buxton's wonderful posts and ran across a comment that really got my gander up.
mskimkim Says:
April 19th, 2006 at 3:46 am
There are some truly evil websites on the Internet that is true. This one is horrifying http://www.christianadoption.com they are highly disturbing. Fancy trying to prize babies away from their mothers by saying that God wants them to have other parents. Evil.
I have looked through the offending website and have not found any statement telling birthmom's that God wants their babies to have "other parents." If you look and find it, please correct me, as I would have a problem with that, as well.
I did find encouragement for birthparents to seriously consider their options and choices and to pray and seek guidance from their Creator. What to do about an unplanned pregnancy is a serious matter and the choices do not come easy. It seems that the web authors assume someone who finds their website already has adoption on their list of options. They are providing information they believe necessary in making the decision and help in finding a family if they do choose adoption. Now I am not endorsing this website, or their service. We probably won't choose to register with them ourselves. But I hardly see anything evil in their pages or their intent.
All that being said, it appears that the commenter above may have a problem with adoption, in general. I am aware that there are people "out there" that are opposed to adoption. I suppose I should not have given it a second thought. But I find myself here at the keyboard and I'm not letting it lie, am I? 
No, I want to talk a little bit about the choices involved in adoption.
First there are birthparents who find themselves in a situation they are not prepared for. These folks have much to think about. There are, of course, the financial issues. But there are also issues of maturity, education, family, emotional support . . . We all know that abortion is a legal option in this country. There is also the option to parent the baby herself. But there is a third option – praise God! If that woman does not want to choose either of the other options, she can choose another family to take on the very big responsibility of raising that child. None of these three choices are easy. Each one is painful in it's own right. It is important we recognize that.
Then there are the families that open their hearts and homes to these children. Those who adopt. There are many reasons these families consider adopting children. Some of us have not been able to achieve a pregnancy to have children in the conventional manner, but desire to be parents. Other families have "biological" children and decide to include other children in their family. I recently read a story in Reader's Digest About a couple whose children were grown when they heard a choir of boys from an African country ripped apart by war. These boys had lost their parents and were living in an orphanage. God moved this couple to adopt 2 of those boys and then their siblings that were still in Africa. Each family you meet would likely give many different reasons for choosing to adopt.
Certainly I have not covered every choice involved, nor every reason for making those choices. My point really is that adoption is a choice. It is a choice that turns lives upside down and changes them forever. Birthparents, adopting parents, and their families will never be the same after making these choices. There are many emotions involved: grief, sorrow, love, happiness, joy, to name just a few, are experienced on all sides. Regardless of how you may feel about those choices – agree or disagree – please respect those of us who make them. Life is not easy. You will have difficulties no matter which road you find yourself on. But, alas, that is another discussion in itself, probably best left to another post on another day.
Excellent post. Having children came easy for me: God gave Jerry and me four, and although they sometimes caused me grief (as most children do from time to time), they have developed into upstanding, God-fearing adults. I have close friends, who were not able to have children, and who chose to adopt. One of these children is my youngest son’s closest friend. Since my son Andrew was three years old, he and Adam have been nearly inseperable–a quite remarkable thing in itself. Adam is a wonderful man with two children of his own now, and I consider him as my own son, he having spent countless nights and days in our home. His adopted mother is one of my closest friends. An interesting development is that a few years ago, Adam elected to make contact with his birth mother, a decision that proved to be a positive one, I believe. Adam has continued this relationship with her and has met siblings he did not previously know.
Life takes twists and turns that we never expect. As decent humans, we are called to be wise, god-fearing, and to do the best we can with the situations we are handed.
Shirley
I wish you would not make posts about a comment I have made on someone else’s blog, I find it intrusive and offensive.
Not only that, your post is patronising, ignorant, insulting and very irritating.
Adoption is not a choice for most mothers, it’s an act of desperation in a time where support, love and safety is lacking. Your attitude to mothers shows a real lack of understanding and empathy.
If you read the website properly you will see that it uses highly coercive language. The whole content of that webiste is propaganda and coercion.
And Shirley, I would appreciate if you would stop coming to my blog and leaving comments all the time, I really don’t wish to offend either of you but would you both please leave me alone. Thanks in advance.
If you cannot see how referring to expectant parents as birthparents prior to placement is coercive, perhaps you need to do a little more research about adoption.
My point really is that adoption is a choice.
Really? I had a choice in this one? Interesting. While I put the pen to the paper, I was left with absolutely no other option due to others’ lack of emotional and physical support. It was not a choice; choices involve being able to choose between two things. It was either place my child or… what? Beyond that, the coercion that was involved truly makes the lines of choice blur beyond comprehension. If you think coercion doesn’t exist, you are sadly, sadly mistaken.
Then again, I will be written off because I don’t think adoption is the best case scenario for every unplanned pregnancy in the world. I’m just one of those angry, bitter “birthmoms,” right? Ah, the irony.
Or perhaps you are a fallen woman which is how she describes the mother of the child she adopted.
There is nothing bitter about you Jenna, you are one of the most kind and generous to adoptive parents people I have ever met.
Mmm, now there’s a nice Christian way to talk about a fellow human being. Gah; it irks me to no end when other Christians judge others. And we wonder where our religion gets the bad name. *head,desk* No hope.
I think this part is an issue:
http://www.christianadoption.com/information/bpnutsbolts.htm
Particularly this:
“Be certain about your placement decision before emotionally involving an adoptive couple.”
There is no way a woman can be certain until she has met her baby. There is nothing on the site (that I can find) about parenting, about getting support for parenting, or about getting unbiased counseling. I think this makes that site problematic.
It should be crystal clear to anyone, Christian or not, that what’s written below is manipulative and unethical:
http://www.christianadoption.com/birthp/muddy.htm
WHEN CRYSTAL CLEAR WATERS BECOME MUDDY
Life with God is basically simple. We are to know His Word, which instructs us in His will, which is right believing. We are to base our thoughts, actions, and decisions upon the truths in His Word. We are to be doers and not hearers of His commandments. We are to love God with our whole heart, soul, mind, and strength–which entails all of who we are as humans. Life with God is basically simple–learn, do, and sell out to God.
But life in this world often is very complicated. Try as the Christian may, it is inevitable that someone will endeavor to make the simple things in life confusing and convoluted. Ever heard the adage; “Make a mountain out of a mole hill”? How true that is! As a ministry that helps others in the adoption process, we encounter these ‘oh, so helpful individuals’ on a regular basis. God will work within the heart of a birthmother to choose a stable, loving Christian couple that willingly offers her child a secure home–and someone will come meddle in the process. As a result of prayer, God offers guidance that is crystal clear, and some ‘well-intentioned’ person will make those clear waters muddy with doubts, questions, and confusion. We have had the joy of witnessing God at work for the ideal “match” with the ideal couple (we did not say perfect–for no one is). But sometimes we have shed tears of sadness when His divine “match” fell apart because of social workers, agency workers, friends, family, attorneys, doctors, and nurses that interfered. One might conclude that it must not have been God’s guidance for that “match” in the first place, but we beg to differ. God can and does make His guidance so crystal clear so often and He is more than willing to move mountains for that guidance to come to pass, but people choose to quit trusting in the Lord and choose to listen to those in the 5 senses realm. Often birthmothers are talked out of God’s crystal clear instruction and choose to follow the direction of some influential person in their lives. What was once crystal clear can become muddy because of others that may or may not be directly affected by the adoption process.
*When Janice made the decision to place her baby for adoption with a Christian family, and was fully committed at the baby’s birth, we rejoiced with her chosen couple. However, her mother informed her that she would be disowned if she placed the baby in a secure home. Rather instead, she felt compelled by parental pressure to keep the child and to continue the vicious welfare cycle in her family.
*Tamra was ready to sign custody papers, when the hospital social worker appeared and convinced her to keep the baby.
*Nikita knew she could not mentally raise another child, prayed for guidance, found her ideal Christian family, and then her father demanded she keep the baby, however unwanted.
*Penelope was financially not able to adequately care for one more child, but her friends used guilt and condemnation to motivate her to add another child to her already burdened financial obligations.
*Karriann contacted us because she wanted to insure that she followed God’s direction to place her baby with a Christian couple. The ideal couple was found with God’s guidance, until her attorney insinuated that he had someone better.
*Shellie knew that she could not handle the responsibilities of parenting by herself, so she selflessly chose to place her unborn baby with a stable 2-parent Christian family. Then an agency contacted her and convinced her that her desire to place her baby independently was simply impossible, as well as misinformed her about adoption laws in the adoptive couple’s home state.
*Precious had made the free will decision to place her baby with a Christian family, even though her physician tried repeatedly to talk her out of placement.
In each instance, ‘well intentioned’ individuals offered their advice and made clear guidance become mentally muddy. At Christian Adoption we pray that our birthmoms will have the courage to follow God’s direction and not become confused by muddy advice from others.
Whenever a birthmother seeks God’s crystal clear guidance and direction, she should be prepared to obey that “still small voice”. No matter what others say, no matter what the circumstances may appear to dictate–God will clear the way for His guidance to come to pass. He can PART THE RED SEA, He can MOVE MOUNTAINS, and He can MAKE A WAY WHERE THERE APPEARS TO BE NO WAY.
Not only in adoption, but in all of life.
——————————————————————————
That’s not acceptable, by any standards, Christian or otherwise.
Wow! Where to begin. Well, people are reading my blog.
I think I’ll take it one at a time – beginning with an apology to mskimkim. In all honest I was uncertain, being new to blogging, about including your comment. But went ahead for a couple of reasons: it seemed the fair way to go since I was commenting on your comment, and I was hoping you would come by so I could get more of a sense of where you’re coming from. Apparently you weren’t logged in when you posted your comment on Shirley’s blog so there was no link to your blog.
Also, I in no way meant to come across as judgemental and am sorry you took it that way. I will get more detailed on that as I address some of the other comments. I appreciate that you did come by and express your opinion. I think that this can be a good, healthy discussion on a side of adoption most folks don’t know or hear much about.
Jenna,
First, no, you will not be written off. Every comment is valid and I thank you for yours. I believe it is important to listen to other points of view.
I am so sorry to hear your experience involved coercion. Sadly there is good and bad in the adoption world. I do appreciate everyone taking the time to point out the problems of the site in question.
In regards to terminology – that is certainly problematic. I use birth parent as it seems to be more common and understood. But it certainly is not ideal. But there doesn’t seem to be a word or phrase that is ideal. I will explore other options as yours is not the first offense I have seen to that term.
mskimkim and Jenna,
Yes Yes Yes! I am a fallen woman. That was my point. I’m sorry it didn’t come across that way.
You are referring to my adoption story:
“She is a fallen human being, just like the rest of us . . .”
Rather than judging B’s, or any other birth parent, I was trying to remind all of us that FALLEN is the state of ALL OF US. We all have sin and suffer the consequences of sin in our lives. Except for my malfunctioning reproductive system, I could have very easily found myself in similar circumstances in my younger misguided days. I will try to rework that paragraph to more accurately express the deep love, respect, and appreciation we have for J, B’s birthmom.
She did have another option – abortion – and we thank God every day that she did not choose that. Perhaps our situation is unique, in that J came to the agency we were listed with having already decided not to parent, although we don’t fully know all her reasons for making that decision. It was her choice. We simply made ourselves available for just such a person. In light of what I’ve learned from you, mskimkim and Jenna, we will be very careful in the future in choosing an agency or facilitator to ensure we are not working with anyone that may be pressuring or coercing women who are looking for guidance and trying to make the best decision possible for themselves and their babies.
Again, thank you for sharing with us and helping us to understand your experience.
Dawn and Kippa,
Thank you so much for the time and thought you put into reviewing the site and pointing out the problems. In all honesty, my husband chastised me for not being more thorough before writing my post regarding that website. I do apologize to all for that. BIG Lesson learned there. I may have more comments to make regarding those problems, but it is getting late now. I will more thoroughly read what you wrote and look around at other pages I missed in the next few days first.
Again, thanks to all of you for being honest in your comments. I very much appreciate it and do hope to hear from you again.
Melissa
Thank you for apologizing, I appreciate that.
Please please please reconsider the use of a facilitator. Facilitators are illegal in many states because they are so very often coercive. Ethica is a GREAT place for exploring adoption ethics and they have a page re., facilitators:
http://www.ethicanet.org/item.php?recordid=chooseprovider&pagestyle=default
I’m an adoptive mother, too, and I know that for me the biggest (and continuing) challenge is understanding how the privilege that comes with being on this side of the adoption triad impacts the process. It’s something I struggle with every day.
Saying “adoption is a choice” is a bit like saying “limb amputation is a choice” or “turning the life support machine off is a choice”. You can say it’s a choice if you want but imagine if you said that to someone who had to agree to the life support being turned off for their loved on in a coma?
It’s not really a choice as such, choice implies that it’s easy and that it’s ok, it’s not really ok to offer being seperated from one’s child, seperated from one’s mother as a good and viable choice. And it belittles the experience and the person who has been through it.
Anyway, this whole thing isn’t about whether you are a good person or not, it’s about the fact that the website is evil and that there are more ethical and respectful ways to adopt. Making a woman feel like she’s doing what God wants her to isn’t ethical. None of us have the right to do that.
Wow! What a great dialogue! Melissa, I appreciate your humility, and I appreciate the willingness on the others part to not get angry and leave, but stick with discussing a very important issue. I am also an adoptive mother. I will never be able to understand fully what it is like to be pregnant or give birth to a baby. We had the priviledge of meeting our oldest son’s birth parents. We have the utmost respect for both of them. My son’s BM was considering an abortion, but thankfully chose life for her baby. There is a choice there, albeit a very difficult one! I tell people that our son’s BM made a “selfless” decision to place him in our home. She was only thinking of what was best for him, not her. Is that God working out his plan? Absolutely! Were we willing to undergo the hardship if she changed her mind? Absolutely! Would that be God’s will? Absolutely! Fortunately, she did decide to have him stay in our home.
Somone wise once told us that “adoption is not for whimps”! What a great saying. Meaning, that it is an extremely difficult decision that will change the lives of many people. We are able to share with our son the love that his BM had for him, and what a strong person she was to think of what is best for him. She wanted him to have more than what she could provide for him. We speak of her often, and maybe one day he will choose to seek her out.
I hope that this blog will allow the “emotional box” of the adoptive parents to be seen as well. In almost the same way, we go through the grieving process of not being able to conceive children, and BM go through an even greater grieving process of placing their child in someone else’s home. This is extremely difficult! Having gone through this process, the only conclusion that I can cling to is that I serve a loving and sovereign God who knows all, is in control of all things, and is working in my life today for HIS GLORY! Blessings! Melissa S
Wow Melissa, I bet you didn’t expect all the response. There is obviously a big need out there for woman to talk about such personal things. I had no idea, as I have never been in any of the above situations before.
My brother and his wife are in the process of adopting from Ethiopia/Africa. It is a long long journey for them, they say the waiting time is around 4-6 years. They have been on this journey for close to four years now, so we are all hoping that they will hear soon and they will be making a trip to Ethiopia to pick up their new family. They have to stay in the country for a few weeks to get some idea of the background of their childrens place of birth. The children that are in need of a home from this country are all orphaned; quite often with their siblings and range in ages from the very young to early teens. My brother and his wife are hoping to get three children all being siblings. It will be a very difficult period of adjustment for them all because of the language differences and the different cultures etc. And this is where support is most needed I guess.
My understanding is that the adoption agency (they are all government run now) will continue to support the child and family until the child is an adult. That child remains on file, and the agency will have yearly consultations with the child/children and the family, then the updates are kept on file until that child is fully grown.
The government here in Australia is very strict, but I have to say that even before the government took over the agencies, the requirements were exactly the same through the private agencies. My brother was actually with the private agency when the take-over happened, and nothing changed at all, the same protocol was followed. Is it at all like that in the States, or is it a little more relaxed? I’m guessing it is done through private agencies too, am I right?
Anyway thanks Melissa for sharing your story and allowing us all to speak and gain a better understanding of such a personal journey that woman go through no matter which side you are on.
I pray for a better understanding to come from this, from all sides. You are all very special people!
V
Hi V, thanks for stopping by.
As far as adoption laws, I don’t know that I would say they’re relaxed. More like confusing. Each state has it’s own set of laws. Then, if it comes up that an adoption is happening between two states, there’s the Interstate Compact. This is why it’s an added complication for us to be in the military – moving around from one state to another. Anyway, there are varying combinations of private and state involvement, depending on where the parties involved live and what the circumstances are at the time. I’m not usually in favor of federal government governing at that level, but in this case if it would simplify things and insure that all parties are making fully informed decisions, guided by unbiased professionals, it may be better. I’m not sure how we get from here to there, though.
[...] So, what have I learned from my bout with "foot-in-mouth" disease?[...]
I have failed to respond to Dawn. Sorry about that.
Thanks for the web link. That looks like an excellent resource that will be very helpful. I really don’t think a facilitator would be something we would choose, just threw it in thinking of the possibily of private instead of agency adoption. I join you in the struggle and hope you’ll come back here to share with us.
Blessings,
Melissa
I am a single man with TWO babies adopted from birth — please read my older son’s story on OpenHandInc.org — and please read RichardMcChurch.wordpress.com — find “Womb Mates” — by the way, before you fo there — I am Richard McChurch and I am Rod Smith (my real name) — Richard McChurch is the name I use when I write parody and humor! — I LOVE alll this talk — thanks for the love you all show — Rod